Breaking radio silence
So for the last three weeks, I have been pretty much in radio silence as far as blogging, or even interacting on the internet. This isn’t always my standard MO when I am upset about something, but in this case it has been my approach for two reasons: First the issues involved are about my health, which is a sensitive topic at best for me, and the last thing I wanted was to be seen as whining – because no matter how big the issue seems to me, it is MY issue. (Apparently I was so good at this not whining bit that I left several friends out of the loop as to what was going on and inadvertently hurt some feelings with the unusual silence – and I am really and truly sorry for this as it was not my intention at all.)
The second reason is more complex – until today, with results and diagnosis in hand, I had no idea what to DO about the health issues aside from wait for test results. Ask my husband – I am TERRIBLE at waiting around with nothing to do. I am a get it done and move on kind of person. I don’t mind doing the work, and while I am a big planner, I also try to keep things as fluid as possible as long as we aren’t just standing around waiting to make a decision on if something should be done or not. Therefore, when my doctor wanted to do biopsies for cancer, I was all for getting out the scalpel right then and there.
Now you would think I would know better really –having not only been down the cancer road before, but also having worked in hospitals for several years. Nothing happens that quickly in the medical world unless there is CPR involved, and even then, once they get you breathing again, there is going to be a delay. It takes time to set up the procedures, to run lab tests, for doctors to get results and interpret them, and then finally to get back to you about what is going on. In this case, from the time that the Doctor looked at me and observed that the strange lump where it shouldn’t be was not only causing pain and general unhapppiness in my life, it was probably cancerous, to the day she finally gave me the results was about 5 weeks. Along the way, we got several others involved and drew enough blood to feed a vampire family of four for a week. We even found a couple of bonus problems I didn’t know about. I fussed and fidgeted and showed up 15 minutes early to fill out forms, and generally drove my husband and best friend bonkers trying not to obsess about the possibilities. I found that sitting down to write was nearly impossible – my focus was shot and I ended up just rewriting the same things repeatedly. Yesterday, we finally got around to the part where Doctor Q was able to tell me that while there are issues; cancer is not one of them anymore for which I am greatly relieved. There are issues, but now we have a diagnosis, we can start on taking action again. Unfortunately, these are not quick fix actions. The problem took years to build up and the treatment is one that will take two or three months to see results from. When I went to see my primary care doctor today, about the secondary issue we found, he said I was the first person who has ever responded “Oh, good” when he told them they have diabetes. Why is this good (aside from the whole not having cancer again thing)? Because diabetes has an action plan involved with it. 41 million people in the U.S. alone have Diabetes, and there is a lot of research that is happening every day. For me, there are new dietary rules to learn about, new things to pay attention to, and a whole long list of things that need doing now. Yes, it is a big, life-changing thing. I am more than a little intimidated by it, but I have my list in hand of things to do right now. (And amazingly enough, I came home and wrote another scene as well.)
If I was more philosophical, or spiritually mature, I would no doubt find a lesson here about how pointless my desire to control things is, how fleeting and fickle the physical world is, and learned a great deal of patience from all of this. I am sad to admit – the relief I have at having something to do, shows I haven’t really gained any of that. I still don’t know what to do, but now I know what to research and can go into the next phase with focus. Tomorrow it will probably hit me just how big a change this is going to be, but today, I have a renewed word count and a to do list. I’m good.